Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Episode 11: 'X-Men: Days of Future Past'

"So, Quicksilver saves the day?" "No. No, Quicksilver drowns in a puddle of death, that is this film."

Only by joining forces do Jon and Joel have any hope of escaping the impending Terminator-esque apocalypse, but is their ideal, robot-free future really worth it? The J's get into the mayhem (and ho-hum) of multiverses in this week's review of film #48698, 'X-Men: Days of Future Past'. Starring such big-name actors as Fan Bingbing, Boo Boo Fanning III, and Crapapple Fob-Bobble, what could possibly go wrong? Enjoy Wolverine's stupid bone claws, listen to John Ottman's presciently-crappy score, and finally learn who killed JFK. (Wait, JFK was a mutant? So mutants killed JFK, but really they didn't, it was sort of an accident? Maybe it was JFK who killed the mutants...)

Ah, whatever. Meanwhile, Jon is making donut holes at work for the token pregnant waitress. Joel shares his childhood misgivings with "queues", then hates on Fassbender's acting. Jon subsequently challenges Joel to a duel, just as soon as one of them can obtain a gauntlet to throw down. Suffice to say, if you're after some J&J antics, don't go twisting that multiverse dial; this future is the one you're looking for.

<meta_aside>SPOILERS ABOUND</meta_aside>



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Topics this week include:
- 'X-Men: Days of Future Pissed Past'.
-  A formal apology about last week's discussion of M.U.T.O.'s. ("Definitely moths. Talk to any scientist.")
- Narrative mirroring in J.K. Rowling novels.
- Multiverse competitive optimization.
- Wikipedia's 'Featured Articles' index.
- Fan Bingbing's tutorial-level Portal moves.
- Sentinels fishing in the post-apocalypse.
- Fargo. Have they mentioned Fargo yet?
- Joel's News of the Week: Edgar Off 'Ant-Man'!
- Fake Sponsor of the Week: Panda Express' Orange Chicken with Bacon.
- Joel's PBotW: 'Hawkeye: Little Hits, Vol. 2'; 'Thor: The God Butcher'.

Homework this week includes:
- Think about how creepy the 'Peanuts' whole-face smiles are.
- The Sinister Six.
- Which is more formidable: Tron Recognizers, or Sentinel ships?
- (EXTRA CREDIT): Try to find the 'Peanuts' strip Jon talks about. Spoilers you won't find it, but not because it didn't exist.

Essential Quotations:
- "Recording... Taking water, off table..."
- "The third [X-Men film] is the best of the ones I've seen, and the ones I haven't seen!"
- "My mind was blown, by giant amounts of illogicacity." "I was just thrown off by how terrible it was."
- "... a caricature of NO FUTURE EVER."
- "You're in heaven, Wolverine!"
- "I'm drowning in my own tears of joy!"

SPOILERS:
- Wolverine is no longer a bad-ass.
- Unsolved Rubik's Cubes bother Jon.
- Saoirse Ronan is not 'Apocalypse'.
- Yes, that was the X-Jet flying over just then.
- Hard resets are never emotionally satisfying. ('Looper' is the exception.)
- Comic book movies must open in New York.
- Lava lamps.